Eventually… just not yet.

Seriously, how often do you sit still and think, it could be over in literally the blink of an eye... One moment here, the next, gone.

Recently, I have been thinking about this more and more often. Thinking about all the mistakes I have made, how behind I feel, and whether I will have enough time to fix them all. I find myself wondering if I will have enough time to create the life I want, to have the kids I want, to give my parents the grandchildren they want.

I think back on all the young souls we've lost to this world, and if they ever thought they would have no time left. Two deaths in particular make me wonder this more and more each day.

One was a very near and dear friend of mine. He was troubled. He was incredibly intelligent, but made the dumbest mistakes and decisions. Had a close relationship with something called cocaine. He passed away at age 27, on June 8, 2019, due to an accidental drug overdose. Went to sleep, never woke up. That one made me question everything. Life, death, what ifs. I played so many scenarios in my head of how I could have saved him through the years, the things I could have done differently, but didn't. I thought about a lot of the whys. Why did I do certain things or say certain things... why didn't I say certain things, why didn't I call and pick up the phone and call one last time?

The second was more recent. A car accident. A night out with friends. Here one moment... gone the very next. The saddest part is that we watched them smiling, having a good time like they always did. We watched it all play out, and then we were shaken by the announcement of their passing, from one moment to the next. It took me back to when I decided to still get in the car, knowing I probably shouldn't. I remember thinking, I'll be ok- I'll make it home. Waking up the next morning, wondering how in God's good earth I made it. Too many times I rolled that dice and took a chance on not only my life, but also a chance that I could have hurt someone else.

Time is such a precious thing, and we take so long to realize it. By the time we are happy and we are living freely in our peace, it's too late.

Funny how I can sit here and write all this, but I shudder at the thought of spending time with the people who matter most to me. Maybe it’s so I’m not so close, so that it doesn’t hurt as much when that time does come. I get so easily angered and flustered nowadays that I would rather just shut myself from the world and from them. I would rather embrace the quiet of loneliness and my cat than get a hug from my dad or hear an explanation from my mother. Off topic, but I think that kind of stems from childhood trauma and things we went through.

The point I am making is, when will we learn to embrace life safely? When will we learn to appreciate the fact that we are here in the moment and embrace it in ways where we know we will be here tomorrow? When will we realize that we need to get out of loneliness and the silence and embrace those people before we get to the point of trying to beg God for 5 more minutes?

We ignore the inevitable fact that time is not promised to us here on this earth or in this realm. Shit, it's probably not even promised to us in the next life or realm we get sucked into. We live so ignorantly to death that we forget the most important part of living, to do it as if there were no tomorrow. And I think I finally know what that saying means. I think it means that if you're given the choice, make the choice that allows you to be here one more day. Make the less ignorant choice. The choice that will maybe help keep you here one more day, for one more moment, for 5 more minutes.

I know that we can only control and do so much, but there are choices we can make to prevent the preventable.

Don't snort the white stuff, don't drink and drive, and don't date the guy you know is a serial narcissistic abuser